I recently officiated my first wedding. Below are some thoughts I shared before the exchange of vows.
A friend recently stated the only difference between living together and marriage is piece of paper – the marriage certificate. His opinion is not unique; I am sure you all have heard it before. So, I’d like to spend a few minutes on the principles of a Christian marriage, which are often misunderstood, and yet offer great value to our society. If you’re interested and want to consider this in more detail, I recommend a book by Tim and Kathy Keller entitled the “The Meaning of Marriage” – I have borrowed from it heavily, as well as from the wisdom of my wife of 40 years. And of course, we’d be delighted to discuss this with any of you later.
The piece of paper reflects an agreement, a covenant that usually goes far beyond what two people living together commit to. And for that matter, the covenant goes far beyond the words printed on the marriage certificate. The covenant is a solemn agreement – vows made before God – and witnesses to commit to the relationship when times get tough – when the challenges arise, when passions and feelings wane, and when people change. We all want to change for the better. In marriage: we accept the fact that we will change, and we purpose to mold that change for the better through deep friendship into true compatibility.
No one is ever really ready for marriage, but the covenant provides the best environment for that growth into compatibility. Marriage creates a cradle where two people, like two stones tumbling to polish one another, change together through vulnerability and greater intimacy. The tumbling process occurs in the safety of the covenant, where you can share without fear that the other will walk away, and both are committed to the interests of the other, rather than merely themselves.
And we have an amazing example. You all know the story when Jesus was on the cross. Though He was rejected and ridiculed, He stayed on the cross. He had made a covenant with the Father. He didn’t do so because we are lovely. Rather, He did so to make us lovely. And that’s your job, to make your spouse lovely. Now, these two before us are both very lovely and precious to me, so let’s just agree that you two will strive to make each other lovelier.
Do you know the secret to a successful marriage? It’s also the greatest challenge to making your spouse lovely: it’s giving to your spouse, sacrificing to make him or her lovely, when your spouse is giving little back. I can’t do that without Christ. If you can do that on your own, more power to you, you’re a much better man than me. But you see, Christianity is different from all other religions. All others offer advice on how to find God. The advice is in the form of burdens – you must do this, do that and the other to find God, or release from the cycle of life, or nirvana, or enlightenment. For that matter, the secular self-help movement, also places burdens. Here’s the “seven habits of a successful person”, or here’s how to “win friends and influence people”, etc. Do this, do that and the other to be happy and successful, and win approval from others.
Christ did not teach this, and he never placed burdens. He said “come to me you who are heavy burdened and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28). He removes burdens!
Christ does not offer advice. Instead, He offers Himself. The gospel is not advice; it is good news that we don’t have to search for God, and we don’t have to please people. God has come for us, to rescue us from death. Jesus simply says “believe in me and follow me.” No burdens, no barriers, no intermediaries – just Christ Himself.
Therefore, and here’s the point of all this – here’s the secret – when I feel little love from my spouse, when I feel lonely, or hurt; I am not alone. He is alive, and He is with me. Therefore, I can experience His love, and His love is inexhaustible! I can receive that love and extend it to my darling. It’s a bit like philanthropy. If one is continually giving away a lot of money, then they need to have a lot more coming in. My friends, if you ask, God will shower His love upon you beyond your imagination.
In the Bible, we find a beautiful description of that love. “Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (I Corinthians 13:4-7). This is the way of Christ. This is the way of marriage.